When the Struggle Feels Chronic or Hard

Something I’ve noticed for myself and my clients is when we have physical pain that crops up out of nowhere or an emotional struggle that feels difficult to resolve, there’s an underlying need that we have that isn’t being met.

This sounds sort of obvious when you read it like that, but it’s far from obvious when we are in the moment, feeling terrible.

In fact, the layers of emotions, needs, self-judgments for having the needs, and frustration with the struggle itself create quite a confusing pile of stuff to sort through. To make it worse, half of it is usually unconscious.

What makes it even harder to figure out what we need and just address it is the constant training we’ve had from childhood through adulthood to suppress our emotions and our needs. Especially, I’ve noticed, for heart-centered humans. We are compassionate, empathetic people and we tend toward putting others’ needs first.

Because this becomes a habit, our own needs end up buried in our unconscious. Often we were taught simply not to have them at all.

For example, a few years after my daughter was born, I noticed I really wasn’t feeling well in my pelvis, and it wasn’t your average pelvic pain that I already knew how to handle. I was a veteran mind-body coach at that point, and I knew how to handle stress-induced pelvic pain (a form of TMS, if you’re familiar with that).

This was something else.

It took so many doctors to figure it out, but I was finally diagnosed with pelvic organ prolapse. This issue affects people differently. Some women have incontinence, some have retention, some have pain, some have pelvic heaviness, and some actually don’t feel too bad.

It all depends on our unique bodies and what is happening within them.

I was in a lot of discomfort and pain, dealing with retention, and at the same time, I was experiencing my second anal fissure in this lifetime. An anal fissure puts the kidney stones and natural childbirth I experienced to shame.

It’s literally the worst pain imaginable.

All that to say, I was in a living hell for about two years while I tried to get the medical support I needed to heal these issues. I was also parenting a small child and running a business as the sole breadwinner for my family.

I tell you this because I’ve noticed that recently, when I feel a bit of random back pain crop up or feel emotionally stuck, the underlying need is often to feel really freaking sad for a few minutes that I have had to go through all of that.

There are still remaining issues my body has to handle even though I did have a full prolapse repair surgery that was highly successful. My body has been through a lot, and the trauma of multiple surgeries in this lifetime and other traumas means my pelvis can go into a pain pattern very easily.

And, I am still rehabilitating the pelvic muscles because it’s just a long healing journey. They don’t function 100% normally and this is something I have to work with daily.

There are good days and bad days. There are improvements each month, and days when I can’t see those improvements.

Here’s the funny thing; my mind often judges me and tells me I shouldn’t be upset or have emotional days even though I’ve had all of this happen.

When I write that sentence, I almost have to laugh, and yet, when I’m stuck in the moment, my mind is very convincing! When my mind judges me, it can keep me focused up on the top level of the struggle, thinking about the stress I’m feeling about something else, the random back pain, or whatever else keeps me away from the deeper needs.

The self-judgment is there to keep me from diving down into my unconscious needs.

Why does this happen? Usually because we’ve been taught not to have those needs, so our mind is trying to keep us safe.

I’ve had to learn to stop and notice when my back suddenly hurts, or I feel anxiety, or I feel down, and then turn my attention to my deeper emotional world.

Then I ask the big question: What do I need?

Sometimes I need to honor that this has been a tough road and allow myself to cry and snuggle with my stuffed bear.

Sometimes I need to reach out to a friend and ask for a little support.

Sometimes I need to journal about everything and then talk to my guides and angels.

Sometimes I need to follow an intuitive hit that’s helping me move forward on the healing path.

Sometimes I need to acknowledge the things I’ve lost: I’m not allowed to run, lift heavy weights, do certain sports, and most exercise is still really limited for me. My daily schedule is affected constantly by the healing process.

Whatever the need is, once I discover it and make a plan to address it, I feel so much better. Often the back pain or emotional struggle lifts immediately.

This is one of the more subtle mind-body processes that I teach in my Mind-Body Magic Method for my clients and my coach trainees in my Mind-Body Magic Life Coach Training Program. It’s kick-ass powerful and incredibly helpful for handling hard emotions or stress-induced illness and pain.

As a coach, we would never minimize or dismiss a client’s needs if they presented the example above, right? And yet, when it’s in our own mind, it can be confusing and tricky to allow ourselves to have those needs.

You can see from my example how just ONE issue in my life can create a pile of needs that are not being met unless I really explore what I’m feeling and actually ask myself that question. You can also see that something that is blatantly important in my life that I would obviously have needs around can still get submerged into the unconscious mind. With all the things we are facing in our daily lives, discovering what we need in different areas is the most powerful healing practice we can do.

It helps release physical and emotional pain, connect us to our inner wisdom, and navigate through whatever we’re facing right now.

My Mind-Body Magic Method can help you care for yourself with a new level of self-compassion and kindness, which is essential if you want to feel better in any area of your life! This is what allows healing to happen. This is just one part of my Mind-Body Magic Life Coach Training. You can learn more about this program and others here.